Why I can never work at Google

Even if I suddenly become a computer programming genius (not likely), there is no way that I could submit my resume with the other 7,000 applications DAILY that the company acquires. The reason?  Google employees are never more than 100 feet away from free food.

Google recently sponsored a teacher-workshop I attended. The workshop caught my eye because they offered free  breakfast, lunch, and dinner. How could I refuse? I spent the weekend happily eating bagels, pizza, cookies, and M&M’s as I worked on computer simulations that will (hopefully) convince my students this fall that learning Geography is awesome.

But on the tour through the Google Boulder campus, it was revealed that their employees get free food EVERY SINGLE DAY. Plus snacks. And soft drinks. We are talking serious spreads. Lunch included a BBQ of elk burgers, bison burgers, veggie burgers, and fried rattlesnake, cookies, a salad bar and the aforementioned soft drinks.

Furthermore, if Google employees should for some reason happen to find themselves hungry between meals the need to walk 100 feet in a random direction until reaching a “micro-kitchen,” a Google sponsored snack shack. I slipped some chocolates in my pocket, and when confessing my non-crime (it WAS free, after all) to my fellow teachers, they all started pulling Cliff Bars and string cheese out of their purses and bags.

In addition to all the free food, Google also has “decompression rooms” where employees and take catnaps, recreations room filled with rock climbing walls and pool tables, and a company gyms. If it’s time for a meeting, these overfed computer programmers can meet in a teepee or a gutted VW bug instead of a boring ol’ conference room.

Taxpayers should be relieved to find that public school employees are not treated to such luxuries. There are no rock climbing walls at my school. There is no place where teachers can take naps, but this in an activity I’m pretty sure I could be fired for anyways. We may have a BBQ in August to kick off the school year, but elk/bison/rattlesnake have never been on the menu.

4 thoughts on “Why I can never work at Google”

  1. Went to a similar training at the headquarters here in Santa Clara. Wow. There are worlds out there we never dreamed of. How did you like the training. A friend of mine was a summer intern and worked on the Geo lesson plans.

  2. The training was fun – on how students can create their own comupter games – but it’ll be hard to squeeze what we learned into my curriculum. I would have much rather worked on Geo lesson plans! Miss ya 🙁

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